My update on the retainer is quite simple. I have a 600$ piece of custom mouth metal that tore up my tongue for 3 days and continues to taste like plastic. Nothing I eat tastes right.
The important things I learned that day revolved around becoming an adult. If my life were a comic this would be the coming of age moment. After calling to get the appointment and working out the details with Boy Wonder I decided I’d go grocery shopping. We had agreed to go that day before my tragedy began. So I packed my backpack and headed out the door to the bus. From the bus I walked to the store and did all the shopping myself. It wasn’t until I was at the till paying that I realized I’d done it all on my own. Normally my husband pays for groceries and I bag them but now I was doing both frantically. Outside I waited for him to pull up so we could load groceries and head off.
At the orthodontist’s office we sat and waited together before I went with a woman to discuss my payment options. I did it alone and had to go back out for my wallet. “Is everything okay?” Boy Wonder asked as I looked for it in my bag. “Yeah, I just have to pay.”
He was very sweet about the whole thing. He wanted to support me; he understood how stressed out I was about the damage. It went well. They removed the old retainer and told me they could replace it the same day so long as I didn’t mind sitting for an hour. My husband and I watched HGTV and discussed what our dream home would be. Finally they called me back and when it was finished we walked out.
Big breath, deep sigh.
I was relieved. I felt good about what had happened and how we handled it together. I know it might not sound like much to you but I’m only 20. I’ve lived away from home for barely a year. These experiences shape my understanding of what I’m capable of as an “adult”. Reminding myself of my ability to handle and confront problems is part of what allows me to move forward. I recognize my own strength in light of stress and pressure.
I’m talking about this because today I laid in the bath for 2 hours. School starts on the 1st and in place of excitement I’m paralyzed with fear and uncertainty. I slept in today, so what if I do on Thursday? what if I miss the bus and make a poor impression with my prof? what if it’s like my day last year and I burst into tears in the middle of class? It’s hard. Even though I’ve done it before I’m scared and worried. I talk so much but fail to find a balance that allows me self care. I fail to prioritize it even though I want to. That fear of failing classes motivates me to push myself further but I have to ask at what cost?
I hope this doesn’t sound doom and gloom. I am a very cheery person but today is cold and rainy and just doesn’t feel right.
Love, Ange Kid.