Rest or restlessness

The 14 hour print marathon was amazing. I messed up so much stuff… I got ink all over the floor, I poured water on my head when cleaning, then I poured it in my shoe! Ahhh. But I feel like I resolved one print so… that’s good. Unfortunately, all my crits are at the same time so I had to email my painting prof to be like “Hey, you know those 8 paintings you wanted done? I’ve only got 6.” I could get them done today but my answer is NO.

I have this problem that I thought was over because it hasn’t manifest in 18 months. WHen I experience high enough stress or sustained high stress I faint in response. As you might know already I have a generalized anxiety disorder so stress management is already something I do everyday. I almost fainted in sculpture because we were in a 3 hour critique and I thought I would be fine. A large part is appearing weak. I don’t want that, that’s not how I see myself but I also want to have the humility to ask for help and let people know my vulnerabilities.

And Now I have to ignore everything else I wrote because I’m freaking out a smidge. I let a friend borrow a phone charger (doubles as a battery pack) and I left it with them but they left it in the print studio and I’m like AGH. What if someone takes it? Or the screens I left out to dry, and the prints too?! Not only did I not finish my paintings but I have to build another stretcher and in sculpture I’ve only made one thing and we are just about 1/3 through the semester. I’m trying to relax and breathe but I’ve also got a terrible cold. I don’t mean to sound so whiny but all of a sudden I feel overwhelmed. When I was younger my mom used to get me to write lists. A list of things on paper would make it seem more manageable she said. I do that with my fears too. When everything is mall letters on a tangible paper it feels like they might blow away.

I hope to write again soon but I’ve gotta go do something before the anxiety drives me crazy.



3 thoughts on “Rest or restlessness

  1. You’ve got this! I have faith in you! You always get the job done. The process may be stressful, but you will be happy in the end. I hope everything turns out well!

    Liked by 1 person

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