I graduated recently. I completed a four year Bachelor’s of Fine Arts and it was quite the roller coaster. I immediately applied to return for a degree in elementary education. In another two years I’ll be graduating again, and likely experiencing this same flood of emotions.
I get irreconcilably bored without school. More than bored I quickly get depressed. This has always happened to me. I can’t remember a summer holiday I didn’t dread coming on, or a Christmas break I wasn’t bored. School is an artificial structure and socializing space and without it I begin to crumble. It sucks. There are great things just about to happen in my life but I’ve been pretty down since about… December? I haven’t written much because I avoid these feelings and sitting down to write they flood my mind. I think to myself “so long as I never say them they never effect reality” though they do either way. I feel gloomy. It’s hard to want to do anything. Fortunately, this summer I have friends. When I first moved here I was isolated and depressed, and this year has presented new and greater challenges. Ones I’m still working through and just want resolved…
I plan on getting back to writing here. I like the illusion of safety and comforted provided in openly sharing my feelings with strangers.
I’m not ready to talk about why I’m so down lately so instead I want to share the exciting things that I have to look forward to! My husband and I are moving this summer!! We have been living in a dark and uncomfortable basement suit and now we are arranging to buy a condo with sunlight and better access to transit. I don’t drive so this is kinda a big deal. I love packing. I’m the most organized little thing you’d ever meet. I have all the boxes labelled with their contents and stacked neatly behind our couch. I monitor the weight and size of boxes so they can be moved easily by the average woman, and! WE GET TO PAINT THE CONDO! Aaaaah, there is no greater joy to me. I love house painting. The smell of wet paint reminds me of my dad. I want a yellow kitchen. The brightest most vibrant yellow God has ever seen. Seriously. I have all these plans for colours and my wonderful husband just nods and says “Yeah!”. He grew up in all white or off white homes. My family splashes colour around anywhere they can. It’s to die for.
There is also my acceptance into education! I love kids more than anything in the world. They are my people. I have no fear being with them and just hearing their voices lifts my spirit. Being an after degree it’ll only take 2 years, and one of those years is practicums. 5 and 9 week practicums where I get to spend my days with little kids.
I’ve started knitting again. My husband pointed out that as long as he’s known me (5 years) I have knit every summer – a pattern I never noticed! I’m doing alright today but for the next few weeks I’m going to write out the chaos and pain in a semi-chronological fashion. Or topical. It’ll involve a lot of superhero talk too.