Preface: I tried to be focused, but that quickly fell apart, and for today I’m not correcting myself. Recover in stages. Show self love. Learn to live with contradictions.
It’s been about a week since I last posted. I was super sick with anxiety and my husband took me home for the weekend. Going home was good. I recuperated. I saw my kids (if this is your first time hearing about them they are my siblings who are 10 and 12 years younger than me and I am one of their primary caregivers. I’ll stop before I go on an epic rant about what makes “parents”). As I was saying, I saw my kids, my mum, my gpa, and all my cousins! AAAAAAHHH they are great. We went out to a provincial park and had an epic water balloon fight. There are 11 grandkids in my family and I am the second oldest, our youngest is 7 and rocks. These kids literally give me life. I did spend the first day home crying in bed about what a failure of a parent I was due to my inability to get out of of bed or spend time with the kids.
It’s hard on me. I love and care to a degree that causes physical suffering. Today, I’m doing better and I want to write about that so I can remember in the future and let myself (and you!) know what ended up working. The yoga rituals were great. I found them helpful in controlling my body. I’ve also started drinking meal replacements at every meal to help put on the lost weight and for the first night in a month I slept through the night. It seems to be working.
My husband and I decided not to buy the condo and instead are buying a duplex (this is a hfl house for those who aren’t familiar. The house is divided vertically into tall narrow homes) and this is FABULOUS! It has an unfinished basement so I’m going to get to show off my reno skills and build a ceramics studio in the basement. We get possession on the 6th which makes me grateful that I began packing when my semester ended.
On the downside I cyberstalked an ex in a moment of weakness. Which is bringing out my unmanageable anxious symptoms.
I saw a few really dear friends while I saw home who helped to piece me back together. I don’t know how much of it to describe or write about because it’s an epic mess that involves so many other people but it’s about the ex I cyberstalked. Looking back it had a lot of elements of abusive behaviours in it. I think that’s why it’s so hard to let them go. I loved them deeply but they hurt me intentionally. And it freaks me out that I was and sometimes am okay with that?!
This is why I wanted to title the post recovery happens in stages. I don’t want to feel ashamed when I fail, or relapse. I come from a family of addicts. I know the experience. I also know how hard it is to love someone who is actively hurting themselves or making what appear to be the wrong choices. After reading this paragraph I wrote the preface. Like, maybe today I just need the chaos. And none of you judge me. Oh! the relief. I used to post on my facebook about my blog posts but eventually I didn’t want my close family and friends reading this type of thing so I stopped. I compartmentalize my feelings as a defense mechanism to feel safe.
Okay. I love you all. I might post tomorrow. I have yet another dental appointment so I might be a grouchy baby.