Learning to be gentle

A friend of mine manages her anxiety with  pet analogies. When I was having a hard time eating and resting yesterday I texted her and she told me “If you forget to let a dog out to do his business in the garden, he barks. If you forget to put food in your stomach, it growls. If you hear the dog barking you, you can feeling guilt about forgetting, but you will still let him out because otherwise he will poo in your shoes.” She followed this up with: “Anxiety is your barking dog; he barks at everything right now because everything is new and both exciting and threatening. There is room for anxiety in your blanket but only if he is willing to settle down and be quiet”

I was curled up in a blanket on the stairs trying to eat and breath without suffering. I’m really proud of myself today. I don’t feel comfortable posting on my Facebook about it because those “friends” of mine are the people I down play my anxiety to. I’m proud because I told my husband what was going on, where the anxiety is coming from, that I’ve been having nightmares all week which is causing me to have a panic attack within the first few minutes of waking up. I’m proud because today instead of 5 hours it took 3 to get back to a good place. I made a smoothie, I’ve been eating  crackers all morning. I started to readjust to the feeling of hunger instead of fear.

This is incredible news.

I’m learning to be gentle. To take the time to relax, swaddle, feed, and love myself. I stopped feeling shame over crying and accepted that it makes me feel better. So much better just to let myself burst into tears and feel all the sad stuff. I get scared that once I start I wont be able to stop (it used to happen that I’d be hysterical for hours if I let myself cry. Shame does intense things.).

On the darker side of things, I’m getting pretty sick from the food I’m eating. Being half moved means I don’t have a proper kitchen set up and eating out makes me sick. I think I’m going to shed the few pounds I managed to gain back if this keeps up.

Soon I’ll be writing to you about the curtains I’m sewing for my new house. I’m very excited.

-Love, Ange.

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