Last night was probably the worst night I’ve had in the last year. I had to sleep on the floor again. I sleep on the floor in an effort to feel grounded, and because I don’t want to wake my husband while my body trembles uncontrollably. I don’t know why it happens, but when I get anxious, sad, or hungry enough I shake uncontrollably. If I try to stop shaking I have to rock gently instead. To defeat the uncontrollable I have to do a repetitive motion. Nervous tick maybe? I also run my thumbs over my finger nails. Not counting but just flicking them.
Sorry if this is scattered, I’m just writing it out as I think it so that the thoughts disappear. Last night I shook. I tried to drug myself but every 2 hours I was awake feeling sick, hungry, and full! So much tummy trouble. I tried something new last night. Every time I woke up I drank some water and took my blanket somewhere else. I tried sleeping somewhere different every time I woke up. At 5 my husband woke up for work, he had quizzes to mark and I went back to bed. At 6 he came to cuddle me and I managed to sleep uninterrupted until 10:30. It felt so good to sleep.
Why so much stress? Because I’m not the best partner. Over the last year I’ve damaged my relationship with my husband in ways I never thought I could. We’ve started working on it recently and it brings out the stress in me. An overwhelming feeling of failure because I love my husband. He is the most amazing man you’ll ever meet and the guilt and remorse is consuming me. I called a counselling office today and have an appointment for early next week. I’m going to start solo and then go back into couples’ counselling.
Things ended poorly with our last counsellor advising my husband to leave me. I constantly feel that everyone wants him to leave me. I get insecure and panic when he has to leave for work. All that made it hard for me to open up to him because what if he leaves? I’ve given him lots of reasons to. I’m sad.
The best I can do to manage my anxiety and panic lately is to lay on the ground. Just to lay there and remember I’m alive and real.
I’m hoping that counselling will help because I can’t live like this much longer. I’d institutionalize myself. I think I’m going to end this post here because I’m freaking out. There is more I want to tell my husband when I see him but I’m afraid that the more he knows the more likely he is to leave. I sabotaged our relationship repeatedly out of fear and insecurity. Somehow I can’t just open up and be vulnerable with him… sigh…