House keeping

I had a prof who’d start classes by going through “house keeping”. All it was was details we may have missed, forgotten, or she wanted to highlight. I’ve got some house keeping to do before I write about something coherent.

  • We have finally moved everything into the house and are beginning home renos soon.
  • I have begun painting the bathrooms and will begin on bedrooms in a matter of days.
  • I bought a pottery wheel and have not used it yet because of the lack of electricity in the basement.
  • My neighbours have a baby and they let me hold him whenever they see me.

I haven’t written in a month and this evening I was inspired to write after reading one of Kendall’s posts (she is the only person I persistently read.) She talked about the loss of pet and the experience of crying for hours and finding comfort in a journal. I’ve always been bad at keeping journals. I write in them only when I’m at my worst so I don’t find much comfort in them. Even here I tend to be gone for weeks at a time and only come back when i feel something is breaking down in me. I’m not much a rest-er or relaxer. I’m a real go-getter but today I’m reminded of how profound an effect grief can have.

It’s been two months since I ended one of the most meaningful relationships I’ve had in Edmonton. I can’t think of clear way of saying it or a title I feel comfortable ascribing this person. I loved (love still?) this person, but I let go and it haunts me. It breaks my heart and everyday. Did I make the right choice? I’m really bothered by my inability to just pick up the pep and keep going. I’ve never experienced a grief like this which is the largest contributor to my doubt.

I need more time to heal from the damage in the relationship, but truthfully I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t think they want to be in my life because I ended the relationship. Or because I haven’t been my best with them. I wish I had been more forward and honest. I want them to understand and still love me and to do anything to just let me know “I still care too.” But I don’t think they will.

My journal provides little comfort as it lists the reasons why I ended the relationship, but also when and why I would resume it. A pattern of unhappiness emerges that I don’t think was escapable.

On a much brighter note I have gained and kept on 7 pounds! I’m a happy 124 pounds. It feels good but I have had a hard time with it as I grew up surrounded by women who constantly dieted and discussed their desire to lose weight. I feel good though! I dance in the house and sing loudly. I’m sleeping through the night and eating happily. I’m not controlled by my anxiety for the moment, but I do really want to find a means of dissociating sensations of hunger and physical pain, along with low blood sugar and the friend I lost (one of the pivotal moments in our friendship involved going for alcohol, me not having supper, walking to get sugary items, and going home feeling really shitty).

I’d like to regain more control but I also wonder if that’s part of the issue. I grew up hearing things like “let go, let God.” and as much as I’ve tried to practice that I don’t feel I have the patience.

Thanks for listening to my woe as I wait to bounce back!

Ange Kid.

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One thought on “House keeping

  1. I am glad some aspects of life have gotten a lot better for you:) and thank you oh so much for always supporting me:) I want to say that I too have a lot of negative writing in my journals, so I try to counter that now. I am not false or fake when I try to be positive, but it helps me feel better to talk about things I am thankful for or something funny when I am finishing up. Do whatever you need of course! Keep dancingšŸ˜„ I always look forward to reading your posts:)

    Liked by 1 person

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