Self reflection on love and fighting

Boy Wonder stormed out of the house a few minutes ago. We are fighting. We fight a lot, and usually about nothing (things that straight up don’t matter) and he always chooses to isolate whereas I prefer to escalate or extinguish my rage. I’d say we are emotionally mismatched. I’m volatile and dynamic while my husband maintains a near constant state with notable outbursts when it’s too much. I’m always in flux so I’m not bothered by it, but it’s hard for him to keep up and vice versa. That statue-like emotional state drives me insane. Any lack of emotional expression is torturous to me.

When things are too much I find out because he’ll suddenly start yelling, name calling, and swearing at me. Sometimes he breaks my things, but I once threw a pot of soup off a deck because we were fighting. (That’s comic relief, there isn’t any justification of violence or aggression) These incidents have to get pretty intense to scare. I’ve experienced worse. And I guess that’s what I want to talk about.

I want someone to value my emotionally explosive nature seeing the opposite but equal response is my highly absorptive quality.

My parents divorced just after my sister was born, before I can even remember them being together. I have abandonment issues but that isn’t unusual for children of divorce (or girls in general – that I’ve met at least). My dad was my hero but he was also a substance abuser. He was in my life on and off. Follow this into counselling and I’ve had counselors describe me with terms like “resilient child” and “ambivalent attachment”. I find them fanciful and encouraging regardless of their validity. I want to use labels to help me to find a way out of that particular box. I think if I can identify the qualities and master them then I’ll be fine.

The blursing (blessing/curse) of resiliency has generated indestructible relationships that I’m constantly putting at risk, AND a tendency for abusive relationships. I love deeply and intensely believing my relationships are indestructible. So I get taken advantage of. Emotionally controlling people fall for me and I for the because of the thrill. I’m determined to love the worst in people but don’t want to be loved the same way. That’s the insecure attachment I have. (look up forms of attachment. they’re so cool)

As for the ambivalence (maybe not the best word), I’ve understood it as my ebb and flow but rooted in insecurity. I adore the people I love, but feel uncomfortable with their love at a certain point of closeness. I want to be adored and worshiped for surface qualities. Love me immediately forever. So long as their love is surface love it can’t break through the impenetrable shield protecting my heart! The harder people try to get deep in love with me the more I back off or become enraged or disgusted. It’s hard. I want love but I want it far off and only on my terms. And MAYBE! none of this is true. Maybe this  a normal experience of loving. I don’t know. I just know that I have a hard time with sincerity. I get blindsided believing I’m friends with people who actually don’t like me, or I’m trapped in manipulative relationship. I’m determined to love even if it means falling on my own sword unless I really feel loved – then stay away from me.

High intensity mixed with emotional baggage of wanting but not feeling happy/worthy(?)/wanting of love I am a puzzle. But so are you… right?

As for this morning, We fought about drywall. We are finishing the basement and I told Boy Wonder I don’t want to work together if (then he interrupted, very upset I was rejecting him) “IF” I SAID! if he wants to do it “his way”. I don’t like working together because the potential judgement and correction. Don’t tell me I’m wrong. Just fix it. So then he said he doesn’t want me to do it at all and put in headphones. I told him I was feeling hurt and I wanted him to care, so he left the room. I waited a few minutes and followed telling him I was hurt and wanted him to choose to stop hurting me. Then he repeatedly slammed a door in my face (our door doesn’t latch shut so it’s easy to repeatedly slam if your wife pushes it back open to talk to you.). Finally, he stood with his back against it and I told him to leave. I asked him not to come back. I also asked him not to drink. That’s a whole other bag of trauma hahahaha.

Sorry if this was more than you were looking for but, guys, I gotta have someone in my corner understanding me.

Love always, Ange.


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