I remember hearing the word ambivalent in high school and finding myself obsessed with it. I love language and to have a word capture what I felt was everything I needed. Ambivalence is mixed feelings or ideas towards a person of thing, sometimes/usually in conflict. What a word to perfectly sum up people.
I wanna talk about a few things I’m still mulling over!
Ending things with a friend. I’ve talked a lot about them because even now they occupy a huge space in my heart. Simultaneously I love and dislike/am still angry/hurt by them. I want and don’t want them, I push and pull. Mostly I am melancholy and cry easily when they are brought up.
I’m felling ambivalent about my recent weight gain. I tried on my jeans since classes start in September. I thought I should know if they fit and whaddya know! they don’t come up past midthigh! I’ve bought the same size and brand of jeans for 4 years so it was shocking that they suddenly didn’t fit. I’m happy I have finally been able to put on weight, it’s sorta always been a goal. Keeping it on has been a different experience. It’s not gone away, so I’m living with increased size that no one notices but me. I used to have a 24″ waist and now I’m a soft 27″, and unbeknownst to me my thighs have pretty well doubled. In summer I wear jammies and dresses so nothing has to cradle them but now I have no pants that fit. See what I mean?! It’s hard to just accept this newness because it has disrupted my normalcy and sense of self. But I also don’t want to lose the weight. I quite like being able to sleep through the night without getting up to eat or getting sick each morning.
To top it all off I’ve never had to monitor or limit myself with foods or treats and now I’m fearful that this is an inhibited growth that will never end. So I’m questioning everything in my life still and just feeling kinda down.
And I can’t remember if I mentioned or not but a few weeks ago I was super down and wishing my friend would reach out to say “I still care too” and somehow they did. In their own way I feel they let me know. But then I had a panic attack because I had ended things and oh god it was the end of the world!!! Haha, but seriously. It was a great and terrible thing that uplifted and crushed me.
I’m seeing a new counselor tonight. Boy Wonder and I had another explosive argument that ended when he told me I had too much baggage and that he wasn’t talking to me until I saw a professional. I asked him to go to and he refused. After a few days I decided to move myself into the spare room. I feel like it’s reasonable to ask him to see a counselor if he demands it of me and so for the time being I guess we’re gonna be more distant. I think that’s a bad idea, but I also have no intention of giving in without reciprocity.